The Dentist, February 2013

Joey had his first dentist appointment this morning. I woke him up, gave him his "coffee" (milk with just enough decaf to make it beige), and told him we were going to a doctor who was just going to open his mouth and feel his teeth. Joey happily agreed and talked about the "dennish" the whole way there, and practiced opening his mouth. 

      We got there early so Joey could play, er, throw toys all around the room and grab my pen, and I could fill out 20 minutes' worth of paperwork (with squiggly lines all over it thanks to Joey). He went potty on the toilet ("yes, just like the toilet we have at home they have one here too") and then I sat him on The Chair. 

      I had told Joey about The Chair but had forgotten to mention the size and shape. The Chair was NOT a chair to Joey, and he wanted down, until the hygienist pumped it up so he couldn't escape. He proceeded to take revenge for The Chair by breaking the button on the rinse bowl, which I had to fix surreptitiously while the hygienist had her head turned. He grabbed the little tooth mirror off the tray and banged it against his teeth, stuck said mirror into the rinse bowl and then put the mirror back into his mouth, kicked, refused to open his mouth, and wouldn't look at the hygienist. 

      Mrs. Hygienist gave up after about two minutes of this hell and called in The Dentist. If you've ever seen Office Space, you know the guy I'm talking about. The guy who says "Yeah, I'm gonna need you to file that TPS report, mmmmmkaaaay? Did you get the memo?". Yeah, that guy is our dentist. He spent less than thirty seconds trying to get Joey's mouth open ("Yeah, I'm gonna need you to open your mouth now, mmmmmkaaaaay?") and then kicked Joey out of the office. He said to me, "Yeah, we try to keep it positive, so I'm not going to fight to get his mouth open, mmmmkaaaaay? We try to keep this a positive experience, I'm gonna need you to go to Dr. T. over in _____________ 45 minutes away in horrible traffic, it will probably rain, and good luck finding it because I can't remember the address." Ok, maybe he left out the part about the weather and traffic, but I knew what he meant when he said ______ Boulevard.   

       He repeated this nonsense about Dr. T. four more times in true Office Space style. The receptionist was kind enough to call Dr. T. and make me an appointment since I don't know the address, phone number, or full name of Dr. T. The hygienist let Joey pick out a toy (thanks for reinforcing his love of breaking expensive things,  Mrs. Hygienist) and we pretty much ran out of there as fast as we could.